


Rome's in Ruin

by captainflintsjacket



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Leonard doesn't deal with losing patients well, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 17:56:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20511110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainflintsjacket/pseuds/captainflintsjacket
Summary: Based on the prompt "I didn't mean to hurt you"





	Rome's in Ruin

It had been days since you’d last seen Leonard. You messaged him a few times, but you knew he was swamped in Medbay after a chemical spill in the science labs led to an explosion which cracked the hull. Luckily, the crew managed to evacuated the deck before any massive damage occurred, and you and Scotty were already working tirelessly to fix it. You were sure Leonard was working just as hard in Medbay, but that didn’t mean you didn’t miss him beside you in bed at night.

Four days post-explosion and all the damage that could be repaired in the air had been fixed. Jim had already redirected the ship to Risa, the closest Federation planet, for repairs. You knew you wouldn’t be planet side for more than a few days, but a few days on the beach with Leonard McCoy in your arms sounded like heaven right now. You were on your way to tell him when you heard his voice echoing down the hall.

“Don’t tell me I did everything I could. If I’d done everything I could he’d still be alive, damn it.”

You froze in the hallway at the sound of Leonard yelling. He stalked out of Medbay, hands balled into fists at his side as he stomped down the hall. His brow was furrowed and his hair stuck up at odd angles, no doubt from running his hands through it as he stressed over charting. You wanted to reach up and smooth it out, but Leonard didn’t so much as glance at you as he stormed down the hall. A nurse poked her head out to call after Leonard, but he was already out of earshot.

“What happened,” you asked. The nurse sighed and dropped her gaze. You felt a pit growing in your stomach, knowing what was coming next.

“An Ensign died. One of his wounds got infected and we didn’t catch it in time. He went into septic shock.”

You cast a fleeting glance down the hall where Leonard had vanished before putting a hand on the nurse’s shoulder. You offered her a small smile. “I’ll go talk to him.” She squeezed your hand before ducking back into Medbay.

It didn’t take you long to find Leonard leaning on the counter in your shared quarters, eyes closed with a glass of Scotch in his hand. He couldn’t have been in the room more than 10 minutes, but you could see the bottle was already considerably empty. You walked towards him carefully, not knowing exactly what to say. If there was even anything you could say. In the end, you chose to keep quiet, taking the glass from his hand and linking his fingers with your own. You brought his hand up to your lips and kissed it gently.

You weren’t sure how long you sat like that: Leonard’s fingers against your lips as you rubbed circles on the soft skin of his hand with your thumb. You watched him, noted the tension slowly seeping out of his shoulders. His jaw unclenching. The vein in his neck going back into hiding. Finally, he sighed heavily and sat down on the barstool, pulling his hands from your grasp and wringing them over the countertop.

You scooted your stool closer to him and rested your hand on his back. You pressed your lips to his shoulder, taking a second to breathe him in. “Talk to me, baby.” Leonard didn’t speak at first, and you didn’t push him. He was still wringing his hands, so you placed yours gently on top of his in a vain attempt to calm him down. You felt him tense slightly beside you, and when you looked at him again his hazel eyes were distant and watery. When you spoke again, it was barely a whisper. “I know about the ensign.”

Leonard shut his eyes and sucked in a shaky breath. He laced his fingers through yours again, squeezing more tightly than was comfortable. He licked his lips and it felt like every nerve ending in your body was on fire as you waited for him to finally speak. You had already run through a slew of conversations on your way here in an attempt to think of the best way to comfort Leonard, but nothing in the entire universe could have prepared you for the desperation and sheer brokenness of Leonard’s voice as he said, “I ruin everything.”

It was like someone had opened an air lock, because all the air left your body. Your mind emptied. All you could do was stare at Leonard as his shoulders shook and sobs left his body. He’d lost patients before. Hell, he’d lost Jim and you hadn’t seen him this torn up. His hands left yours as he buried his face in his palms. Between breaths, you could hear Leonard whispering, “I couldn’t save him.”

As an Engineer, you were normally cool under pressure, but sitting in your kitchen watching the man you loved sob sent your brain into red alert. You opened and closed your mouth as you tried to come up with something to say besides the cliche “He’s in a better place.” Another sob wracked Leonard’s normally sturdy frame and you said the only thing that came to mind: “It’s gonna be okay.” You quickly realized that was the wrong thing to say.

Leonard draw his arm back and swiped his Scotch glass off the counter, sending it flying across the room before it shattered across the floor. As he swung, his arm came around and caught you across the face, knocking you off the bar stool and onto the floor. He froze as you quickly pushed yourself up onto your hands and knees. He was beside you in an instant.

“I’m sorry, sugar. Shit, I am so sorry.” You could tell he was on the verge of sobbing again as he pulled you onto his lap on the floor.

“I’m fine, Len,” you said as he caressed your cheek with expert hands. When he was satisfied there was no damage there, he ran his hands down your arms to your wrists.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby girl. Christ, I’m such a damn mess.” He dropped his head back against the counter with a thud. He pinched his eyes shut, and you could tell he was no longer talking to you. “Ruin everything I touch. Ruined things with Jocelyn. Ruined things with Joanna and now I hit the only girl in the universe who can stand me.”

“It was an accident, Leonard.”

He continued as if he hadn’t heard you. His voice became more strained as tears choked him again. “Always thought maybe I was meant to be a doctor not a husband or a father. Thought even though I couldn’t make Joce happy I could still do some good in this world, but I couldn’t even save an Ensign from a damn infection. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save Ji-” Another sob ripped from Leonard’s throat before he could finish Jim’s name.

Your heart broke in your chest as you watched Leonard crumble in front of you. He buried his face in his hands again. Of course he was still upset about Jim’s death. He never talked about it but, God, you should’ve known Leonard was still torn up about it. You turned around so you were straddling Leonard’s legs now and grabbed onto his wrists. You needed to do something, to say something that would help the man who’d spent the last two years holding you up, worshipping you. Realistically, you knew there was nothing you could say to fix him. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but you wanted to help Leonard set the first brick to build himself back up.

As gently as you could, you pried Leonard’s hands away from his face. “Look at me,” you whispered. When he didn’t, you cleared your throat and spoke more firmly. “Leonard McCoy, look at me now.” After a second, he cracked his eyes open and looked weakly up at you. Tears still dripped from his eyes and his shoulders still shook. Your gaze softened, and you ran your thumb across his cheek. “Leonard McCoy, you are the best doctor I’ve ever seen, and you did save Jim.”

“I didn’t-” Leonard started, but you pressed a finger to his lips to shut him up.

“You did, Len. You not only saved him, but you performed a goddamn miracle saving him. I know you want to save everyone, but take a second to think about it. There were 10 people directly affected by the blast and at least two dozen others who had minor burns or smoke inhalation. Out of all those people, only one of them died.”

“He had a wife. A daughter. He had people waiting for him back home.”

“So do all of the others and they’re alive because of you and your team. Leonard. You’re not just a doctor. You’re a hero. You’re my hero. You haven’t ruined anything.” You stroked Leonard’s hair, letting silence settle between the two of you. His hands made their way to your hips and he rubbed circles against them through the thin material of your shirt. He dropped his eyes, feeling small and unworthy under the intensity of the love and kindness in your gaze. You put a finger under his chin as you tried to coax his eyes to yours again.

“What do you say to some sleep, big guy?” Leonard nodded and you stood, pulling him up with you. Before you turned to walk away, Leonard pulled you against him, wrapping you tightly in his arms. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and inhaled deeply. He loved your scent: like cherry blossoms and engine grease with a faint tang of sweat. Leonard closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the feel of you against him - so soft and sweet and so unconditionally his. For a moment, Leonard felt clarity in your arms.

“Thank you,” he breathed so quietly you weren’t sure if you’d simply imagined it. He pulled away without another word and led you to bed, only stopping long enough to kick off his boots before lying down and falling asleep against your chest, your heartbeat filling his dreams and tinting them gold.


End file.
